Tales of Cell Phoneia
by Lynsandria
Summary: What if TOS had been in the modern day? Kratos is the next darth vader, Colette is a cheerleader, Genis is a hippie, Lloyd is a hopeless loser, and Nosihe is a car!
1. Text Messaging Woes

Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of Symphonia, cell phones, oil, or anything else I may mention. Only this plot line. THIS IS A PARODY! IT SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOSLY! I was sitting, eating ramen one day when I thought about what would happen if TOS happened in a modern day background. Anyway, everyone is out of character (I am sorry if any of you have been considered any of these mentioned. I am not making fun of you.) : Lloyd is the class loser who had a hot girlfriend who dumped him for a foot ball player. Colette was once Lloyd's girlfriend, but now she's a cheerleader who loves to text message. Genis is a hippie. Raine is the abusive teacher who thinks Lloyd has a mental issue CSD. Kratos is like a agent for the government. Sheena is well, Sheena (not exactly her character but I can't really explain how she acts). Zelos is Tethe'alla's pop idol that happens to be the chosen. Presea the kid who does whatever she's asked (bad example). And Regal is… emo. So is Mithos. Ready..? BEGIN!

* * *

Chapter 1: Text Messaging Woes

* * *

Prologue:

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a giant tower that was the source of oil. The creation of SUV's however, caused this oil to dry up and we went into a war to get more. Grieving over the loss of oil, the president disappeared into the white house. The president left his cabinet with this edict: You must wake me, for if I sleep, we'll run out of oil. I don't really see why they couldn't just wake him up themselves, but, so it goes. The chosen needs to use her magic powers to give us oil.

* * *

Now, to class…

* * *

"Lloyd! Lloyd Irving wake up! Lloyd!" Seeing that Lloyd wouldn't wake up, Raine threw the textbook at him.

"Wait!" shouted a FBI agent who just happened to run into the room. "That's child abuse! You could get arrested!"

"Oh yeah!" shouted Raine. She was then taken away in handcuffs.

"Gah," grunted Lloyd. "Is class over?"

"Not yet!" shouted Raine. "I just paid bail! Lloyd, see me after class!"

"Why?"

"Because I think you may have CSD!"

"CSD?"

"Compulsive Stupid Disorder! You should get pills for that!"

"We shouldn't take pills," said Genis who had his hair extremely long and was wearing a tie-dye shirt. "We should like, live natural with out pills. That would be like, groovy man."

"Stupid hippie," said one of the cheerleaders in the back. "Come on, let's try out our new cheer!" All the cheerleaders grouped together and started cheering.

"8, 6, 4, 2, we're much better than you!" they shouted.

"Oh, pretty light!" shouted one of them who had blonde hair. She also wore a bright pink miniskirt and a white tank top. "I'm going there."

"Have fun," said Raine.

"Oh, but I need an escort," said the cheerleader. "I'm the chosen one to bring oil back to this world."

"Fine, fine, Genis, Lloyd, take Colette there," said Raine. "I'd go myself but, I can't since I'm and authorized child abuser."

"OMG!" shouted Colette. She grabbed her cell phone. "Hello! Brittany! I need to travel with my ex, you know the one that dumped me right before the prom!"

Lloyd stared at her. She had dumped him before the prom. Outside the schoolhouse, Frank ran up to them, "OMG Daddy!" shouted Colette. "Lloyd won't take me in his car to see the pretty light. He says I have to walk!"

"That's because gas is about $10 a gallon!" shouted Lloyd.

"Oh my poor daughter!" gasped Frank. It's okay; daddy will buy you a new Mercedes. To go with your other ones."

"Okay," said Colette. Frank went away. "We better stop at Starbucks on the way!"

"Are you kidding me?" shouted Lloyd. "All my money's going to gas! I can't afford Starbucks!"

"Man," said Genis. "You should try the cup holders with the green star on them. They make you feel happy."

"WHAT!" shouted Colette. "Derrick always buys me Starbucks!"

"I'm not your boyfriend anymore!" shouted Lloyd. "Starbucks will make you fat!"

"What!" shouted Colette. "Did you just call me fat?"

"Fine!" shouted Lloyd. "What do you want?"

"Oh, how about a Grande double caramel, double chocolate, double vanilla bean, and triple whip cream mocha?" said Colette.

"But that takes up all my gas money!" shouted Lloyd. He and Genis then dragged Colette. As they were walking to the Macy's that the bright light had come from, Colette chatted on her cell phone.

"Oh, yeah? I know. Carol is so mean. She totally saw that I was buying that swimsuit. She totally wore it to Derrick's beach party. She can like, not forgive me for like, taking her ex boyfriend. Oh Derrick? He like never buys me presents anymore. I mean like, totally, he like, forgot my kitty's birthday. I am so breaking up with him. Like, tomorrow." She hung up. "Oh, we're going to Macy's? Totally cool. I like, totally am hot for their t-shirts."

At the front, some gangsters were giving some department store owners a hard time. At the front was a brown haired man. "These t-shirts are ugly," he said. "We gangstas have to look cool when we rap. You are totally rip us of. Oh, and where is the chosen?"

"I'm right here!" shouted Colette. "And I think their t-shirts rule! It's their make up that they need to work on!"

The man turned. "You think these are cool?" he demanded. "Seriously yo, we can not be seen with these."

"I won't let you ganisters get away!" shouted Lloyd. He pulled out two pistols. Genis pulled out a bazooka. Colette pulled out her pompoms. "Are those weapons?"

"No," said Colette. "I'm going to cheer for Macy's."

"Gyah!" shouted Lloyd as he started shooting his pistols.

"Stand back," said Genis. He pulled out his bazooka and shot several of the gangsters. They fell down dead. "Groovy, right man?"

"Get out of the way," said a man. He carried a hunting rifle. Colette stared. She rapidly started text messaging.

"OMG! Krista! We were like, dying and this totally dreamy guy came to my rescue." She took a picture of Kratos. "He is totally going to be my new back round. I'm so totally going to put him on myspace."

"Um, Colette, the battles over," said Genis.

* * *

"Thank you so much," said the Macy's employee. "Here, you go inside and pick out anything you want. You can have it for free."

"OMG!" shouted Colette. "Miniskirts here I come!" She ran inside before anyone could stop her.

"What's this?" asked Lloyd. "It looks like a pretty cool ring. I'll take it."

"OMG!" shouted Colette. "Who are you?" Everyone ran after her. She was looking at a man in black.

"I am Remial," he said. "I come from the government. Colette, when you release seals, oil will flow to our world. I present you with this cell phone." He handed Colette a red cell phone. "When you visit each seal, the phone will gain more cool features such as a mini jetpack! There, is the tower of oil. Head there when your journey is over. Oh, and that cell phone comes with 900,000 free minutes so talk all you want."

"OMG!" shouted Colette.

* * *

End of Chapter…

* * *

Next chapter: Welcome to the state prison where people make steroids to strengthen people. Marble works day and night making these. And Genis hugs a tree and won't let go. Plus, will Colette stop saying OMG? Find out next time. 


	2. People do stupid Things

Me: Thanks for all of the reviews! Anyway, the story thus far:

After being denied her Starbucks, Colette gets a new phone at Macy's. Now, it's time to check up on those sweat shops.

I don't own TOS, Vonage, or anything else. Ready…? BEGIN!

* * *

Chapter 2: People do Stupid things

* * *

"Stupid Colette," said Lloyd. "She left us with this bill for her clothes."

"Oh man," said Genis. "It's Raine! She doesn't look too groovy!"

"Grr," said Raine. "Stupid police, making me a certified child abuser."

* * *

Meanwhile, back in Iselia…

* * *

Lloyd and Genis are in Colette's large mansion. "Are you sure we should let Raine near the chosen?" said the mayor. "I'm worried that she's too violent."

"Relax," said Kratos. "I'll be there."

"OMG!" shouted Colette. She grabbed her cell phone. "Hello? Brianna? I just got this totally cool new cell phone! Its minutes are better than Vonage! And, that totally dreamy guy I told you about on myspace is so going to take me traveling in his car! That's right! His car. I'll call you later." She then dialed another number. "Derrick? I'm breaking up with you!" She then dialed another number. "Oh, Mary! Derrick just broke up with me. I'm like, totally devastated."

"Let's get out of here," whispered Lloyd. "Before she realizes that it's her birthday."

Yet, as soon as they left, Colette found them. "Hold on!" she shouted. "It's my birthday."

"Um, Colette," said Genis. "I backed you cookies."

"Cookies," said Colette. "Are you trying to get me fat? Ugh, cookies are lame."

"RUN!" shouted Genis. "IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME! SAVE YOURSELF!"

* * *

Lloyd ran away. Genis ran after him, hoping to escape Colette's wrath. They neared the center of town, in front of a Starbucks. There appeared to be a squad with a chain saw right in front of a tree. "Wait!" shouted Genis. He ran over and hugged the tree. "Don't chop it down! What did it ever do to you?"

* * *

Vonage music starts…

The tree starts falling down with Genis still in it. It collapses, leaving Genis with many injuries. Lloyd turns towards the camera. "People do stupid things," he said. "Like pay too much for phone service. So switch to Vonage."

* * *

Genis grabbed a bottle of water. "They're on a crusade to hurt trees!" he shouted. "Lloyd! We must stop this evil!" They ran into the forest. Actually, it was a park. The forest had been deforested to make room for a Walmart and a McDonalds. "There's the state prison!" shouted Genis. They looked inside. It appeared that the prisoners were making some sort of Drug. "Marble!" shouted Genis. An old woman appeared at the bars.

"Oh Genis," she said. "Thank you for bringing me some water."

"What are you talking about?" said Genis. He took out a water bottle. He poured it on a tree. "This water is for my totally, groovy tree friend."

"WHAT!" shouted Marble. "YOU ARE THE MOST UNGREATFUL LITTLE…"

"Hey Marble," said Lloyd. "Can you give me some steroids?"

"Oh sure," said Marble. She handed him several packs. Lloyd immediately grabbed them.

"Dude," said Genis. "Do tea, not drugs."

"Shut it," said Lloyd. "Man, I never look any different from these steroids."

"Prison guards!" shouted Genis. They ran away.

"YOU'RE JUST GOING TO LEAVE ME HERE LIKE THIS!" shouted Marble. "HOW DARE YOU!"

"I'm not leaving you!" shouted Genis. He climbed up a wall and shot his bazooka. The prison guards immediately died. Yet, Genis had gone trigger-happy. He started shooting everything, the walls, the trees, Lloyd. Lloyd suffered deep wounds and was taken to an emergency room.

* * *

At the emergency room…

* * *

"I doesn't look good," said the doctor. "We may have to pull the plug."

"Mmgh," said Lloyd. He was trying to say that he didn't need life support.

"Yes," said the doctor. "I think we should put him out of his misery. We'll pull the plug." He stopped Lloyd's life support.

"Mmgh, mmgh," said Lloyd. He tried to tell them that he wasn't dead, but he had a medical mask on his face and found it hard to talk.

"May Lloyd rest in peace," said the doctor. He took Lloyd and shoved him in a closet full of dead people. Lloyd would have nightmares about that day forever.

* * *

At Lloyd's "funeral"…

* * *

Lloyd was struggling to get out of the coffin. He had spent the night with dead people. The pastor was praying over him. "And so we have come to honor Lloyd Irving on this sad, sad day. Blah, blah, you know the rest; start paying your respects."

Colette came over and text messaged Lloyd's cell phone. "Hey, What's sup? I never knew u very well. SYIH."

Genis came up. "Hey man," he said. "It's so not groovy that you died man. Say hi to mother earth for me."

Lloyd finally broke out of the coffin. Everyone around him fainted and were rushed to the emergency room.

* * *

At Dirk's house…

* * *

"How was work dad?" asked Lloyd.

"Well, I'm glad I grew this beard," said Dirk. "Stupid child labor laws. Stupid people saying they don't need a black smith now. We dwarves were once a proud folk laddie. But, now we're all working 12 hours at the 7eleven. How was your funeral?"

"Well, I know to get better guests and a better pastor," said Lloyd. "What does SYIH stand for?"

"I think it's "See You In Hell""

"Man," said Lloyd. "I'm going to delete that text message."

"Make sure you never lose that phone," said Dirk. "Your mother died protecting it."

* * *

End…

Next chapter: The prison guards want Lloyd's cell phone. He and Genis have no money for gas, so they escape on their bikes. The last person they want to find is Colette. But, she will find them. And what does the blue haired man know about Lloyd's cell phone? What ring tone will Colette chose at the alter? Find out next chapter!


	3. A Car Named Noishe

Me: Thanks for the reviews! Okay, I should tell you this: I AM A GIRL WHO KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT GUNS! So, now Kratos has a magnum, Raine has an AK 47 (I think that's how it's spelled. She's to violent to just heal) and Sheena has a machine gun. I'm sorry for butchering the story, but all parodies do that. Ready…? BEGIN!

* * *

Chapter 3: A Car Named Noishe

* * *

Dirk and Lloyd were startled by a huge crash. "Oh, crap," said Lloyd. "It's Colette."

The door burst open. There stood Colette, eyes gleaming red. "LLOYD!" she shouted. "YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A PRESENT!"

"Um," said Lloyd. "I, uh was making you a necklace…"

"Sigh," said Colette. "You **have** to make it? Fine, fine, but I would prefer if it were Macy's. Whatever, take it to me tomorrow, we're leaving at noon." She stormed out. Lloyd sat there, twitching for a bit, then walked outside. There, he saw Kratos standing at the grave

* * *

.

"I really admire your courage," said Kratos, staring at the grave.

"Really?" said Lloyd. "You mean the way that I fight with my pistols."

"No" said Kratos. "The fact that you can bury a person in the suburbs. Don't your neighbors get ticked?"

"Well, yes," said Lloyd. "But, Genis comes over here with his bazooka and shoots them. This is mom's grave."

"So, it's your mother's?" said Kratos.

"Well, of coarse!" said Lloyd. He was pulled over by Raine.

"Here," she said handing him some pills. "It's for your CSD!"

"Dirk always told me never to take pills from child abusers," said Lloyd.

Raine pulled out her AK 47 and pointed it at Lloyd's head. "Take the pills!" she shouted. Lloyd, out of fear, swallowed them. "There you go," she said. "Now, here are some more. Take them every morning for the rest of your life."

* * *

The next morning…

* * *

Lloyd got up, took his pills and grabbed his car keys. He turned to Dirk. "I'm going on a journey and I'm never coming back."

"Wahoo!" shouted Dirk, pulling out a barrel of rum. "I mean, never lose your cell phone."

"Oh, sure," said Lloyd. "Let's go Noishe! It's time to save the world!"

"Wow, man," said Genis, who looked suspiciously dazed. "I didn't know you had a pet. By the way, Colette's gone."

"What!" said Lloyd. "She said they were leaving at noon."

"Well, it could be just me," said Genis. "I mean, this new stuff really knocks the sense out of you."

"New stuff?" said Lloyd. "Anyway, let's head down town Noishe."

"Whose this Noishe?" said Genis who still was out of it.

"My car!" shouted Lloyd. He pushed a button and the garage door swung open. There was a white and green car. "Noishe!" shouted Lloyd, hugging it.

"Okay, let's get out of here," said Genis. "Man, this stuff really is strong."

* * *

"Why did Colette leave us like that!" demanded Lloyd.

"Check your cell phone," said Frank. "She left a text message."

Lloyd whipped out his red cell phone. Sure enough, there was a message. "hey Lloyd. Srry bout leven u like that. But, K. is so hot 'nd can't have u in the way. So be nice 'nd stay in I. Later C."

"Why!" shouted Lloyd? "Why! WHY!"

"What's that noise?" said Genis, whom Lloyd suspected was stoned.

"Iselia is getting bombed!" shouted Frank.

* * *

Sure enough, Iselia was a complete wasteland. The prison guards were attacking the city. Planes were swirling overhead. "Lloyd Irving come foreword!" shouted one of them with a megaphone.

Genis looked devastated. "Make love not war!" he shouted, pulling out his bazooka. He fired at the prison guards who were soon begging for mercy in their cold blood.

"That must be the boy who destroyed the prison," whispered one of the guards.

"That does it!" shouted the main one. "Bring foreword the prisoner!" A monstrosity appeared before their eyes.

"Oh god…" whispered Lloyd.

"What the," said Genis, his eyes huge. "I really hope that I'm stoned and this is a hallucination."

"No, it's true," said Lloyd. "An old woman has overdosed on steroids."

"NOOOOOOOO!" shouted Genis.

"SHUT UP!" Came from the monster that I will not describe because of how gross it would be. "GENIS, YOU WERE LIKE A SPOILED GRANDSON TO ME!"

"Marble!" shouted Genis. "You were like a overprotective grandmother to me!" He fired his bazooka to avoid a lengthy fight scene that I wish to not write. Marble collapsed onto one of the Desians, dropping a huge crate of something. Genis picked it up. "Steroids," he said. "Excellent! This will help me with my shortage of the stash."

* * *

"Let's go Noishe!" shouted Lloyd, leaping into the car. Genis hopped into the back seat and Lloyd turned the keys. But, that was to no avail. "Damn! It's out of gas!"

"Can't you buy some more?" said Genis, whom couldn't care less.

"No!" shouted Lloyd. "I still want to be able to afford food! Here, we can use our bikes!" He pulled out his bike. "This is the real Noishe," he said, pointing at his bike.

"So, you named your car Noishe," said Genis. "And your bike Noishe? Well, no big deal, I have an imaginary friend named Mike."

"Let's go!" shouted Lloyd. Together, he and Genis rode off into the sunset.

* * *

Me: Okay that was a little crappy. But, I have a serious case of writers block on this story. Please review. And yes, there will be more drug refrences. Next time...

Oh Crap! The prison's after Lloyd! What happens when he overdoses on his CSD medicine? And which ringtone will Colette **_Realy_** choose?


	4. Weasel Stomping Day

Finally, I decided to update this. Yeah, my mind hasn't been in the most humorous mood lately. So, I'll try my best here.

I don't own Tales of Symphonia or Weird Al references or myspace or anything else. No weasels were harmed in the making of this chapter.

* * *

Chapter 4: Weasel Stomping Day

* * *

Thus, our hippies set out on their bikes through the Triet dessert. Unfortunately, as we all know, areas such as Triet are rich in oil. At least, as rich places could get in Sylvarant as they were indeed running out of oil. Anyway, back to the story. So, they were riding through the Triet dessert when there was an oil spill.

"Damn it!" shouted Lloyd, when he and Genis came to the street. "What the hell?"

Suddenly, a stranger appeared from the crowd. It was another hippie!

"Hey man," greeted Genis.

"Hey man," greeted the hippie. Sadly, they were both stoned at the time and completely forgot that they had ever greeted each other. Thus, they started over again.

"Hey man."

"Hey man."

"Hey man."

"Hey man."

"Hey man."

"Hey man."

"Hey man."

"Hey man."

And Lloyd, who for the past few days had completely forgotten to take his medicine, lashed out. "Cut the crap and tell me what the hell happened here!"

"Whoa man, you should open yourself to the universe," said the newfound stranger.

"Yeah, man, I mean seriously man, don't go lashing out at people, man," Genis explained.

"Well, man, it seems like there was a oil spill man," said their newfound friend. "See you man."

"Yeah, miss you man," said Genis.

"See you around man."

"Yeah, see you man."

"Nice knowing you man."

"I know what you're saying man."

"Always will man."

"Bye man!"

"Bye man!"

Soon, our hippies would discover that indeed it was an oil spill as they soon saw people throwing themselves into the streets with buckets in their hands.

"Whoa man," said Genis, who had stopped for a "bathroom" break recently.

"What the hell?" said Lloyd who seemed to enjoy saying hell today.

Indeed, people were throwing oil in their buckets, attempting to fill them as much as possible. And you may ask: "What does this have to do with the story?" And if you don't ask that, then you obviously are one of our devoted fans who would never doubt us. But back to the question: "What does this have to do with the story?" Absolutely nothing. But anyway, on the way to Triet, they noticed several dead weasels in the road.

* * *

"I have a bad feeling about this," said Lloyd, who had recently taken his CSD medication and had gained a few IQ points for doing so.

Suddenly, what appeared to be two drunken men came out in the middle of the road. They were just on the outskirts of Triet at this time.

"Faces filled with joy and cheer,

What a magical time of year,

Howdy Ho! It's weasel stomping day!" They sang.

"What the hell?" asked Lloyd.

"Man, these people in Triet have weird celebrations man," said Genis as they entered the city.

As they biked on, they noticed that all the lawns seem strange as they were white. And now you may ask: "How could they have lawns in the dessert?" Well, what does this look like, math class? Just pay attention and that question won't matter. Anyway, suddenly two more drunken men forced Viking helmets on Genis and Lloyd.

"Put your Viking helmet on,

Spread that mayonnaise on the lawn,

Don't you know, it's weasel stomping day?"

"Wait a minute!" shouted Lloyd. "That's on June 31! There's no such thing!"

"Hey man, did you check the calendar?" asked Genis, holding up a calendar. Lloyd looked and indeed, there it was: Weasel stomping day, June 31.

"All the little girls and boys,

Love that wonderful crunching noise,

You'll know what this day's all about,

When you stomp a weasel's guts right out!"

"No way!" shouted Lloyd as he watched the sickening sight. "It's sick, right Genis?" But his angsty speech would soon be interrupted by a loud crunching noise. He looked over. Genis was wearing the huge boots of a weasel stomper.

"Man, aw man, it got away man," he said, following the fleeing weasel with his eyes. He joined in with the others singing.

"So come along and have a laugh (man),

Snap their weasely spines in half (man),

Grab your boots and stomp your cares away (man),

Hip hip hooray, it's Weasel Stomping day! (Man)."

"Genis stop singing!" shouted Lloyd. "Why do you have to "man" after every word?"

"Well, man, I dunno man, it seems like a man, a habit man," said Genis, attempting to stomp on another weasel. This time, he only hit the tail.

Lloyd didn't know how long he could resist the sound of crunching weasels for much longer.

"People love them down the street, (man)

Crushing weasels beneath their feet (man),

Why do we do it, who can say? (Man),

But it's such a festive holiday (man)."

"Damn it Genis, shouldn't we find Colette?" asked Lloyd, stepping over a dead weasel.

"Well, man, just check her myspace man," said Genis, trying to find another weasel.

"So let the stomping fun begin (man),

Bash their weasely skulls right in, (man)

It's tradition, that makes it okay (man),"

"Hey, that's an idea!" shouted Lloyd, pulling out his laptop. Now, if he could only find a place to load the internet.

"Hey every one, it's Weasel stomping (man),

We'll have fun on Weasel stomping (man),

Put your gun down, it's Weasel stomping (man),

Hip hip hooray, it's Weasel stomping day! (Man),"

Sadly, our in denial hippy Lloyd has slow internet access, so he would have nothing to distract him from the Weasel stomping around him.

"Weasel stomping day (Man)

Hey! (Man)"

As they repeated the song, Lloyd loaded up the myspace page. He immediately felt sick. Colette had put up a huge picture of Kratos under her "friends page." Ignoring the screeching noises behind him he checked her latest blog.

"OMFG! I am lyk, travlng w/ te hottest man evr to wlk the face of the erth. He is totally my style and his name is Kratos. K is like into me I mean lyk I have him on my frnds page. I wil sooo be his gf in lyk 2 days. Pos. srry about tat. Rain is totally anying. She just wants k for herself. Lol. Lyk k b interested in r. I mean toetally. Ha, k would do anyting 4 me. Hes taking me 2 strbucks 2morrow. Omfg. Lol!"

"Oh, my god," was all that Lloyd could say. "If someone made a fanfiction with that many spelling mistakes, the site would get rid of it. But wait, she's going to Starbucks? Could that mean that's where she's getting her cell phone updated?" Lloyd would ponder this while Genis would enjoy the Triet tradition of Weasel stomping day.

* * *

Geez, writing Colette's blog hurt. Anyway, please don't flame me, for one every time you flame another Mary sue is created in a first story, for another, for another, yes, I know the song is morbid. But Weird Al created it, not me, so please don't hate mail me because it doesn't belong to me. Thank you. 


End file.
